HAVE you seen that episode of Springwatch where Bill Oddie and Kate Humble ‘ooh and aah’ at the live coverage of Mummy and Daddy Rat as they tend to their cute little bald babies?

No?

Well that’s because Bill and Kate have never bothered themselves overmuch with rats. Rats aren’t photogenic. They don’t count as wildlife do they? Rats come in the category of what you might call "vermin".

And it’s a funny when you think about it ... the way we put animals into boxes. The hedgehogs, the squirrels, the butterflies they are all officially cute. We like them. Cameras like them. They’re our number one favourites in the wildlife popularity poll.

Things like bees and frogs aren’t exactly cute. But they are useful. They do little jobs in the garden for us, pollinating our flowers, eating our slugs. We are keen to ‘preserve’ them. Endless magazine articles tell us how to heap logs into piles, leave nettles to grow in dark garden corners and build sloping sides to our ponds. Bill Oddie might tell us fascinating facts about frog habits even if he doesn’t show us any furry faced babies.

And then there are the untouchables, the vermin. If they even get onto an episode of Springwatch they’re always being the bad guys. Because that’s the role we’ve cast them in. They are on the ‘vermin’ list. And nobody wants to be on that list!

It’s a strange list though. Each of us seems to have our own idea of what vermin is.

Hundreds of years ago (well maybe 40) my brother started to train as a thatcher in Suffolk. Sparrows were referred to as "rats with wings" and their nests swept away by the thatchers as they worked new reeds into the roof. According to my brother you just got used to it. “They’re just pests,” he said. Maybe if I was a thatcher I’d agree ... but to be honest I rather like sparrows.

The dictionary describes vermin as animals that are destructive or injurious to health or crops. Mmm, methinks. What animal is most harmful to crops? Probably that sweet and fluffy friend of Springwatch ... the rabbit. But how many of us would seriously put bunnies in the vermin category?

Tough, ain’t it?

Not only is it tough, it’s political. For example, foxes. Do we love them or hate them? And are they wildlife? Or are they vermin?

The fight about fox-hunting ... and don’t worry I don’t plan to open up that debate ... is all about the rolling green hills of the countryside. But when was the last time you saw a fox?

I haven’t seen a fox anywhere green and pleasant for ages. Where I have seen foxes - and lots of foxes - is in London. There they are unbelievable! They stroll out of gardens and look at you one eyebrow raised superciliously. If they could talk maybe they’d say something like, “You lookin’ at me?” I don’t know if they’ve absorbed a bit of cockney bravado (I was born down there so am allowed to be disrespectful) but the cockiness of the city fox is truly staggering!

My daughter just moved into a new flat with her boyfriend. The lady upstairs has been feeding what seemed like hundreds of foxes with Pedigree Chum. Clever eh? These foxes are such a pain! They break into rubbish bags. They dig up flowerbeds. They try (really hard) to scare said daughter’s dog. Thankfully, mad dog-food woman has finally stopped reaching for the tin opener in response to a pleading furry face. As a result the foxes have moved on to hang out round the local chippy.

What is a surprise is that none of the fox-hunting arguments, either for or against, talk about city fox problem. We hear loads about controlling the country fox. Nobody ever suggests riding to hounds through Stepney do they?

This doesn’t really add to the wildlife vs vermin discussion but it does illustrate our weird attitude to living creatures. As I said at the start of this article we categorise animals. We label them as "good" or "bad". We give them human characteristics which probably have nothing to do with their own lives or experience of the world.

And so we’re back to rats. Rats are not sweet. Or cuddly. They love sewers. And rubbish tips.

But add wings and a beak and make them into birds. Or wrap their tails with fluff and make them into squirrels.

And I can hear what you’re saying ... rats are filthy, unhygenic. But when did you last see a squirrel using a shower or cleaning its teeth?

To a certain extent wildlife really is a human construction!